First of all, congratulations to myself for coming back to Medium after a year. Last year this time, I was overwhelmed with the goals and plans I set for myself and all the fun, exciting trips I’m starting to have post-pandemic. So I decided to take a break and stop forcing myself to write on Medium.
However, I’m pleasantly surprised how many friends actually mention to me how much they enjoy reading my articles and wonder when they’ll see a new one. I’ve also missed the moments when I could sit down and just write my thoughts out as a way of reflection. I can’t seem to find any better way than to write it down to let my thoughts out of my head. So here I am. Return to the Medium.
Now, jumping into the main topic. 30–1 years old anxieties.
Not sure if it’s more of an anxiety or depression or a mixture of both. I’m 29 years old this year and somehow it has gotten the upper hand of me that I just can’t shake off the idea that I’m getting old and I feel the need to rush to achieve so much more in life.
I want to have a boyfriend.
I want to live in a bigger city.
I want to be more advanced in my career.
These three things agonize my mind in a row nonstop like a merry-go-round. I start worrying about not finding a boyfriend while I look young and fit but then I start thinking it’s because I’m not living in the city that I want to be in. Once I felt slightly okay about where I am when I’m more relaxed and calm, then I start wondering about why my career was kind of plateaued. When I did something good at work and started feeling better about my work, then my boyfriend-crave comes back again.
Just like this, one after another. I felt I’m constantly being anxious and feel like I’m behind in life. But, why am I like this?
30–1 with no BF
I started the thought of having a boyfriend after meeting my lovely party friend group in 2020. They were a lovely bunch who met through years of partying and became a group of friends that meet up in different cities in Europe to party. I was luckily introduced by a friend from London during the 2020 New Year's Eve in Berlin. With them, I discovered how nice it was to have a partner to support each others while also planning trips and having fun together. I started to be able to picture what kind of relationship I’d like to have.
With the pandemic, there’s little to no opportunity to meet people, and me living in Nuremberg, it’s not exactly the burgeoning party city where I could easily find like-minded people. Thus, in 2022, once the ban is lifted, I went crazy about traveling and partying. I thought I had good logic:
“If I want to find a boyfriend I could party with, then I must find him at parties!”
Simple right?
Turns out most people at parties aren’t here to find “love” Of course, people are here to find connections but it’s mostly for fun, for now, or just for enjoying the party itself. Hunting men down at parties isn’t a good look and certainly didn’t get me far.
Then, with a trip back to Taiwan and talking to a good friend/mentor of mine, Andrew, I was recommended to read a book called “How to not die alone” (There are even magical tales spoken that Andrew himself and friends of his found boyfriends after reading the book.) I swallowed the book at record speed but only to cause myself even more anxiety for not living in a city where I can “actively” go out and date people, which is the first step the book recommended.
Days went by since my 29th birthday and still no boyfriend in sight. I’ve somehow come to terms with myself that all these “homework” or “theories” of how to find a boyfriend can’t really solve my anxiety about not having a relationship. The real reason why I’m having this anxiety is stemming from a lack of self-love and confidence. I start to worry I don’t look as handsome and fit as I used to be but maybe the truth is I didn’t actually physically change so much. It’s me mentally thinking short of myself. I need to love myself more. Or even, falling deeply in love with myself! Quoting Mother RuPaul,
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you’re gonna love somebody else!”
Stop worrying about finding a boyfriend, Be your own boyfriend!
30–1 with no city life
I think I’ve complained enough times on here that I don’t fully enjoy living in Nuremberg. It’s quiet, well-connected, and affordable but it’s not as exciting and buzzing with social life as London, Berlin, or Madrid.
The pros of living here are affordable that I could travel a lot more than being in a big city but the cons being I don’t feel excited about exploring the city and the events and social life here. The reason why it connects with the anxiety of being 30–1 is that I worry if I don’t live in a big city when I’m young(-er) then I don’t have the same level of energy to enjoy it all and miss the opportunities to find and build a community of friends at where I live. In addition and in connection to the previous topic, it is also harder to find a potential future boyfriend in a smaller city like Nuremberg where the pool is just much smaller and the fish that can filter through my personal taste got even closer to none. It’s not that Nuremberg is a bad city, it’s just it doesn’t fit me. Now that I’m edging towards 30, I worry if I don’t make the change immediately, I’m wasting time being here.
However, what I don’t realize is that this could still be just a few steps in the long marathon of life, a few pennies of investment in the long-term scheme. In less than 3 months, I’ll reach 4 years of living and working in Germany, which qualifies me to apply for a permanent residence permit. If the new immigration law passes, in another year, I could even apply for German citizenship, which makes me become a citizen of the EU and I could live and work freely across the whole EU. In other words, I didn’t “waste” anytime that I lived in Nuremberg, I’ve invested in my future, and part of my goal is to live in Europe in the long term. Visa has always been haunting me since starting looking for jobs in Europe and making me feel inferior to other EU passport holders. Once I’d be able to get a German passport, it would mean I cleared a huge obstacle in my mind and in any applications that I look for in the future.
Let’s see the time here in Nuremberg as being in a university. (to be honest, Adidas HQ is literally a campus.) It’s an investment into my future life and career, not a sacrifice. In the meantime, enjoy traveling and save money as much as possible. There might not be the kind of city life I’m looking for in Nuremberg but I can still have an amazing LIFE everywhere I go.
30–1 with no big title
To be honest, this is probably causing me the least anxiety than the other two. However, it still comes to haunt me at times when I see a friend got promoted on Linkedin, when I didn’t get a golden star from my boss when I thought I did something great, or when I just feel like I’m not progressing anywhere in my career.
This anxiety somehow ties to the city topic since my job is also the reason why I have to be here. And in a single-minded logic (the same bad logic as my previous one about finding a boyfriend),
“If I climb the corporate ladder faster, I would have better opportunities to find a good job in a bigger city”
It might be partially true but it’s not all true.
First of all, finding a better job is not just about the title. It should be about the achievements and skills that I could bring to the new job. It’s also about who I am and the soft skills I possess that could fit the new job. Hence, merely advancing in my current job would not be the solution to my future.
I should remind myself constantly what tangible skills and learnings I’m gaining in my current job that could benefit me in the future and whether I feel ready and prepared to apply for new roles. And even more importantly, I have to start applying to validate my thoughts.
Maybe I am already, ready?
Stop worrying about the job title and career advancement, think about the actual progress I’m making, and start applying if I intend to move on.
It does help to jot down all these thoughts and internal conversations that I’ve been having since my 29th birthday. And I probably should revisit this article myself more often than not to remind myself to Love myself, to Trust in the process, and to Act on my goals.
Would love to hear if anyone of you out there also has or had these anxieties when you’re about to turn 30.
