Trying to find a fun title to talk about boys, which is a new topic I’d like to write about, whether it’s a relationship or situationship or dates or call it what you want “thing” I had with a few guys in the past months. I’ve learned and grown from my experience with them but also still growing and learning as the stories never fully end. Life can be unexpected and they could be seen as a closed chapter but a new season renewal could also be around the corner. Let’s start with F and O. (For confidentiality reasons, characters are only be called in capital letters.)
F and I connected on Grindr at the end of 2022 when I was on a business trip to London. On Grindr, there was an interesting sexual tension and dynamic between us. More so me being more dominant and he being submissive. The flirt and sexts were fun and so we kept in touch even though we didn’t meet during my short visit.
Surprisingly, we were still texting as the time went on with an indefinite date to revisit London but since it’s London, I was certain I’d be back at a certain point. Luckily, another business trip opportunity came up in early 2023 and finally we met in person. Immediately, all the tension-building texts finally got released and it was a steamy, sweaty session. We cuddled and chatted and ordered some food delivery and continued to get to know each other. We said we could meet up again when the opportunity arose and kissed goodbye.
I felt there was a stronger energy from him towards me than the other way around and it was normal to feel these imbalances in the beginning (at least from what I’ve experienced and what I’ve heard from people). A few weeks later, he asked if he could come to visit me in Nuremberg since he was in between jobs and the flights were cheap. Usually, I would’ve shut it down and run away from it. I felt slightly overwhelmed by his fondness and gesture and felt I wasn’t ready yet. However, I’ve always run away from guys when I’m receiving more but I wanted to give it a try and break the pattern.
We had a cute Spring long weekend in Nuremberg. It rained quite a lot so we did just a bit of sightseeing and a lot of cuddling and TV-watching. He impressed me with mushroom risotto and I underwhelmed him with my Ken’s special (Chicken breast, broccoli, and pasta). I was glad we had this time together to get to know each other but I was even more confused on where this is leading and felt like I was retreating even more after this.
We kept the convo going but I started to drift away without telling him. I felt the passion and spark were lost but couldn’t bring up the courage to tell him and fell into my old tricks of reducing the frequency of chats as a sign of my disinterest. After a few times trying to ask me when I’d be in London again or where we should travel together next, he courageously brought up the question. “Where do you see us/this going?” The old me would’ve also either ghosted or just fabricated another cheeky message to keep the attention flowing. Instead, I told him the truth that I couldn’t commit or do more than just keep in touch. We went into silence mode for a few months.
He taught me lessons about being honest with feelings and having the courage to confront people even though you might not like the answer you hear.
A few months later, we reconnected due to my shoulder injury as he had previous experience of the same surgery. It was comforting talking to someone who knows exactly what I’ve been through and the thought of us getting back together tickles. However, I knew it wasn’t fair to him and honestly, I still don’t see us getting back romantically. I do want us to stay friends so we finally meet up again in London when I went over for Christmas and New Year’s. We caught up on his travels to Taiwan and my journey on recovery of my shoulder and my mind. He told me he has a boyfriend now and I told him I had a crush that I’m trying to get over. It felt like a closure and he was such a mature gentleman that I don’t deserve. He taught me lessons about being honest with feelings and having the courage to confront people even though you might not like the answer you hear. Thank you, F.
Let’s move on to the crush, O.
O was a total surprise. It was the weekend when I made my first party attempt after my shoulder injury. There was a Halloween party in town, which I went to last year, which took a totally wrong turn and I left the party within about 2 hours of arrival (one letter reason: K). Even though I’m still physically recovering and also trying to find a way back to partying while being sober or with reasonable substance usage. I don’t feel I’m ready to fully let go of that part of me yet. During the pre-drink and party, I was sort of clinging on to this guy, which went nowhere in the end and I sort of felt a waste of time when I still couldn’t get a decent sleep as I just went to bed the time that I usually wake up (Circadian rhythm is meaner than karma).
While I was reading and casually browsing Grindr the next morning, this bi-curious DL guy texted me. It was O. Usually, I would’ve brushed these guys away. No info on his profile page, no profile picture, some obscure toilet selfie, and no clear agenda on what he’s looking for. Quite often I got hit up by profiles like this and the conversation would go nowhere because they’re not comfortable with showing their face or they’re very restricted on things they’d like to do. However, even though with low energy, I felt like entertaining to just text and see how this would go.
One text led to another and the jokes just kept cracking between each other. Then it moved from Grindr to WhatsApp and while the texts were still firing, the day after the next day, he showed up at the main station with a white puffer jacket and no roses (that he claimed/joked that he forgot on the train here). I had a hunch when we first said hi and I was already starstruck — this is going to be something. He’s charming, funny, smart, well-traveled, and clean to a level that I don’t think any other person. (no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no weed, no caffeine, and almost no sugar). As if the universe sent him to teach me a lesson on how life could be as enjoyable without any substances. We agreed to a hookup, which led to dinner, then he stayed the night and eventually turned into a 24-hour date.
I was totally blindsided. I never expected to meet a guy like O in Nuremberg, which I’ve declared as a no-date zone. He took me by surprise and I was gobsmackedly wondering when we were meeting next. He’s moving to Berlin for work soon but he agreed to meet again after his trip to London. The waiting was torture and luckily I had a Friendsgiving in Munich to distract me from all the daydreaming and eagerness to text him. A little more than a week later, we met again. I brought a rose, which he jokingly forgot on the train, and got him from the airport. I was so excited as a teenager and even though it was way past my bedtime, I stayed up and tried to get any little piece of time and him I could get. The next morning, he slept in and I had to leave early for work.
The agony starts from that moment on. Didn’t know if we’d meet next. Our texting also started to be less frequent as if the same trick I played on F is biting me right in the ass but this time I’m the one suffering. In the end, he left for Berlin without saying goodbye, but we somehow kept in touch and texted from time to time. However, I still had a hard time moving on, and to make things worse, he happened to be friends with one of my best friends, K, in Berlin and kept showing up in his Instagram stories. I couldn’t avoid him and even started to be jealous of K who gets to spend time with O. However, I couldn’t confront K because I was so protective of O and I wasn’t sure whether he had come out to him yet. It was so confusing and stressful to have to keep a secret.
The last straw was at Christmas when I was fed up with keeping the secret while O decided last minute he was staying in Berlin and spending it with his “best friend” instead of going home I found that “best friend” is indeed K on another Instagram story. I took a screenshot and finally asked O whether he knew I was friends with K. He just brushed it away with “Of course! I know all your friends!” That cheekiness no longer amused me but showed me that I was worrying too much for him and it wasn’t worth it. Muted, Archieved, Bye.
I’m grateful that I didn’t hold back and I was able to be honest and true to my feelings. It was fun but painful but no regrets. The season has ended but who knows if it’s getting renewed. I’m open to it but I’m going to wait.
2024 is here and I thought I was over him but I still can’t help but keep checking the archive and the unread message from O and wondering if I should respond. I decided to face it and talk to K first and clarify the mystery that I created in my own head. They really are just friends but since O just moved there, K is his only friend so he brings him along to places. I asked O for a brief call. Disguised as a catch-up, the call was an opportunity for me to finally confess my feelings to him and ask all the questions I had for him. Surprisingly, he’s also honest (or at least I try to believe so) and let me know he could feel I like him a lot but his priority now is the new life and new job. A brief call turned out to be almost 3 hours long and all the jokes and laughs felt like he never left and all my worries were for nothing. However, it was still clear that there was no near future for us as we had different priorities now. We agreed to keep in touch but for me, it’s still hard to let go and not wonder “what if”. I’m grateful that I didn’t hold back and I was able to be honest and true to my feelings. It was fun but painful but no regrets. The season has ended but who knows if it’s getting renewed. I’m open to it but I’m going to wait.
It was my first time writing about my relationships. It felt very naked but also very refreshing. It’s like I’m sensibly reviewing those moments. If you enjoy it, please let me know and I’d be happy to share more. :)
